HUMOUR
THE WEIGHT OF SIN CHURCH

After what looked like a deep thought over how to eliminate the rats that had just taken residence in his small room, Patrick suddenly spoke;
“Fred, I’ve been thinking seriously.”
“Of course you have been thinking about those non-respecting rats.”
“No, it’s about making money using our brains.”
“Wouldn’t our hands be needed to gather the money?”
“Let’s be serious. We’ll need more than hands if we succeed. We might need a Bank.”
“Sounds interesting! What is the big idea?”
“To start a new Church with original ideas ―different from the rest.”
“How can one have new ideas for a Bible that had been there before we were born?”
“We can, only if we are very creative.”
“How?”
“We can establish our Church by using a new doctrine others have not thought of yet.”
“Since people are poor and hungry, it is like preaching and distributing food, fish and bread to be precise.”
“That is an idea; you are getting what I mean. You know that all Churches base their mode of worship on a doctrine they found from the scriptures. That is the creativity I mean. We can as well do the same.”
“Have you thought of any yet?”
“Not yet.”
“Ok, let us appraise the doctrine presently explored before we design our own.”
“Don’t call it design. I intend to get mine also from the scripture. For example, ‘cleanliness is next to Godliness’ had given rise to the white garment churches. Churches, where parishioners use bare feet, have their doctrine in ‘pull off thy shoes from off thy feet, for the place where thou standeth is holy ground’, as told Moses on Mount Sinai in Exodus.
‘Make a joyful noise unto the Lord’ would be justified praising God with loud instruments, horns and drums.”
“But some Churches are not founded on doctrines or supposition but on ideas; some on philosophies of a Methodist. Others are based on the mode of the Baptism like the Pentecostals.
Others evangelize; others base theirs on the injunction to go and ‘Witness for Jehovah.’ Yet, others consider the appropriateness of a sympathetic mother’s call to her holy son. Some recruit ‘salvation’ armies. Some even look at Elijah’s ‘Mountain of fire.’ Some even see themselves as ‘Protestants’ against others.”
“If I were to start a ‘born again’ Church, my doctrine would be that people first fill forms “to renounce their mothers for a new rebirth or is it re-bath?”
“And you think this would be accepted easily?”
“Never mind. If I recommend ‘speaking in tongues’ as a doctrine from the day of the Pentecost, I could set up a school; charge money, employ teachers to teach a tongue.”
“What tongue? Is it a language or just something you’ll invent?”
“My only problem here is the nonsense that my teachers would be teaching since no one is qualified to tutor them on what to teach and only the teachers could be the interpreters.”
“You are right. As teachers, which school taught them what to teach?”
“From the baptism side, a doctrine of complete submersion and not mere immersion in a river can be insisted upon to improve on what John the Baptist had done only that we do not have a river where I live.”
“The issue of God resting on a Sabbath had given birth to the ‘Seventh-day Adventist Church’ already.”
“Maybe we should leave the doctrine for now and look for a name for our Church.”
“It’s true; the name can give us a doctrine like ‘Faith Church’ which has a doctrine of putting faith to work even when a sick man’s pile condition needs an operation.”
“If I say ‘Tabernacle Church’ my problem would be the number of earrings women might need to donate to fashion an ark.”
“Between an Apostle and a Saint, who is more powerful?”
“We already have Apostolic Churches and St. Angelic ones already. There are also Celestial ones like the Cherubim and Seraphim.”
“Let’s leave the name of our church for now as we had left the doctrine. Let’s concentrate on the mode of worship and dressing before we think of doctrine.”
“Wait, I have just hit on a new doctrine; ‘… him they compelled to bear his cross.’ It is from Matthew 27:32, Yes! All our members must get a carpenter to make them a cross a little longer than their height. They must not be light as it would represent their individual sins. The heavier the cross, the better and they must not be ashamed to carry it. The weight of any cross can represent the weight of the sin being carried or being confessed.”
“Some smart carpenter could be a billionaire by this process.”
“My fear is the number of trees that would be cut to make these crosses. The forestry people might take us to court.”
“Don’t worry. That can only be if none of their staff is a member of our Church.”
“I was only wondering if taxis would be able to accommodate such sizes of crosses. For the dress code, we can recommend light dress so that such would not interfere with the cross-carrying business and also for their sweat to easily evaporate.”
“They would also not need shoes for the job ― like Jesus.”
“With the numerous crosses they would carry, we would not need a Church building. Because of space, we would need a big field. No chairs, people can sit on their cross. It’s going to be an economical church.”
“The mode of worship would be choruses; no hymns. That would make us original. We would manufacture our songs and sell books.”
“The only problem is that we need a mountain from which to preach. You remember all the laws of God came from a mountain. To see God, Moses was always climbing mountains.”
“Are you saying that a mountain top is closer to heaven for a surprising heavenly visit?”
“You get it.”
“Can’t we get our carpenter to build a very high platform which would represent our mountain? A wooden mountain”
“We could, but if we preach from high up, some people on the ground would not hear us.”
“Okay, we would install in everybody’s cross a wireless loudspeaker. That would make the church ‘a living church’ communicating through our wireless microphones.”
“How about baptism?”
“Sure, we would use real fire, remember ‘baptism of fire’ as in Mark 1:8”
“You mean that we would bring fire upon the people’s head?”
“Yes, but that could be dangerous.”
“Okay. ‘We would scrape the peoples’ hair and burn it with fire. We would store all the ashes in a container and once every year, I as the pastor would travel to Jordan to empty the ashes in the river.”
 “Great idea, it will look like the day of Pentecost all over. But something  still bothers me.”    
“Is it the cross?”  
“Yes.”
“Transporting crosses to church would be difficult.”
“Okay, they would keep their crosses somewhere near the church. Only when they arrive for service would they change into their light clothes to carry their crosses. The cross would represent their sins for that week.”                 
“In that case, people can be encouraged to have different sizes of crosses to suit the weight of their sins each week. If a member of our church dies, we would release his cross to his family so that they could bury him with it or in it.”
“You mean the crosses can serve as coffins?”
“Yes and very small ones would be used as headstones.”
“I think that is original. But how do we make money from all these original ideas.”
“We would emphasize tithing.”
“But almost all churches emphasize this. If we do like them we would lose our originality.”
“Well only in this area, it does not matter but we can still be original here. We can let our parishioners force their employers to deduct their tithe at source like tax before paying their salaries. The tithe goes straight into our bank account.”
“How about if we issue them receipts on payments as if it is a heavenly share certificate? The more shares a person has, the better his chances of sitting at the right-hand side in heaven.”
“Then a good name like a Stock Exchange Church would be fine.”
“Is that a preferred name?”
“No, let it be called Variable Sin Display Church.”
“Yes.”
“No, ‘Carry Your Own Cross Church’ gives a better name.”
“How about ‘Live Baptism Church’ since we use live fire?”
“No. ‘Heavenly Co-directors Church’ is better so that parishioners can aspire to be directors through their tithes as share capital.”
        “I think, we should settle for The Weight of Sin Church.”
“Okay. As the pastor, I would be the Reverend Director. You can be our Pope or Shepherd or Superintendent.”
“I’ll choose the General Overseer. Let’s start the radio announcements now.”
“No, let’s go and learn carpentry work first so that we can earn money in building the crosses.”
“My mind is more on the money that would be made from replacing crosses weekly as people get taller or they commit heavier sins.”


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