After engaging my insatiable appetite for strange meals, nothing could be as evident as a bulging stomach. Just like every other day in a school calendar, there were things to be done, and one of such was to stay in line with a good academic performance―in my quest of bagging a bachelor’s degree in the university. An imminent class made sure students gaited down the lecture blocks. But the past came knocking, reminding me of the mixtures of food that were never meant to be on the same plate. I realized there was trouble in food haven. It then occurred to me that the school campus lacked a decent ‘convenience’ to dish out my expensive waste. I began to sweat profusely. My head turned in a desperate measure to find any friend of mine who might just be driving out of the school premises. The distance I would have to cover in a bid to get home by public transportation made me feisty. The luxury of getting even a cab later seemed a myth as I knew I had to ease myself the unfashionable way.
With so little time to think, I started heading out of the lecture block, mumbling greetings as I breezed past my best buddies. I thought in my head ‘this is no time for courtesy’. My walk to freedom was in full swing and suddenly, I spotted a light at the end of the tunnel―a bush. ‘You can make it’ I reassured myself, if I don’t, my reputation will literally be ‘full of crap’.
As I paced into the bush with fury, I heard a female voice ringing out from within. “Don’t come any closer” she ordered. It halted me for a while but I grunted. An array of thoughts kept lining up as I thought once more, ‘is she trying to warn me of impending danger?’ But at that point, nothing could be as dangerous as ‘messy underwear’ if I don’t answer nature’s call as fast as I could, so I forged on.
About fifteen metres into the bush, I saw a pretty lady squatting at a spot with no thorns, her gaze was fixed on me as she feared the worse― being alone with a man in a bush.
With little time to spare I loosened my belt. Her eyes bulged and her jaw dropped almost confirming her worst fear at the moment. There was no time to pay mind to her, I only focused on picking a spot and stooped to conquer. Firstly, a loud fart escaped from my rump declaring my intentions, before I freed the captives… an act which calmed her fears.
“Are you always like this?” she asked with a smirk on her face.
“Full of crap?” I replied with sarcastic intent.
Ensued was a lovely conversation with our pants hanging down. It was weird and fun. After we had dispatched almost an hour making fun of our predicament, it was time to clean up. I stood up exposing my secret weapon just for her amusement, even protruding my bum into her face in a no-show of shame gesture, asking her nicely to check for lingering faeces I might not have cleaned up with some of my test scripts.
She waited for me to leave so she could clean up but later changed her mind. She returned my ugly gestures by bending over so I could check for particles of faeces too. In the course of our somewhat lengthy discussion, she never disclosed her identity no matter how much I probed. “How would you start the narrative of our first meeting with your friends?” She inquired. I was puzzled, trying to get a swift response but I could only smile when I thought of the concatenation leading to the circumstance in which we have found ourselves. When properly dressed, she opened her bag and wore perfume. With a sheepish smile on her face, she left― lifting her eyes to the skies; nodding and giggling. I never ran into her again in college.
Looking back on that day always put a smile on my face. Years had gone by since that experience. Recently, I went into one of the banks I am banking with to make a transaction, and there she was―the ‘bush lady’ staring at me… recalling and laughing. Instinctively, she covered her name tag. But not before I got a sneak peep at it. Her name is Brenda. An enlarged smile occupied my face. She has been recently transferred to the branch I walked into. My account officer was very inquisitive, so she asked: “Have your paths crossed or is my colleague’s smile that infectious?” What followed was a burst of boisterous laughter from Brenda… I was on cue. We went on laughing without saying a word; for the banking hall was too civilized for our bushy story.