HUMOUR
SPORTS AND THE ORIGINAL MURDER PLAN

Gomez, Yaro and Zorah are good friends. They are tough and like to play really rough. They are brave and their lifestyle had made them inured to pain. They are excellent materials for the army but their training made them different professionals. Even if they joined the army, they might not always be opportune to play rough as a war could provide, and as they traditionally would love. Joining the police could have given them an opportunity to shoot robbers or beat up criminals but they might not always be lucky to find one when they wish to play. They all loved shooting and hunting. Zorah is a good shot. Even when the animal seems dead, he satisfies himself by shooting it through the anus.
One day Yaro said, “Shooting and killing animals as in hunting is called sport, and the animal is called the game. Can’t we invent a way to shoot or beat someone as a game and we call it a sport?”
“You mean someone becomes our game and beating him becomes the sport?”
“Correct, but I’m feeling that beating sounds sadistic. We can call it boxing, wrestling and any other exciting name.”
“But if you shoot someone and he dies, people will say you are waging a war or venting your frustration on society.”
“Okay, we can get society to participate and in that way, it will be fun. What do you think?”
“Yes, that is if they compete. But who will volunteer to be shot? Even in war, it is tough to get a willing enemy”.
“Okay, let’s leave the shooting and concentrate only on the beating.”
“We’ll just name a prize and you will see what happens. After all, people beat their neighbours free of charge and the public watches free as well!”
“It’s true, but for war, you have to create an enemy, else, there would be no one to shoot or fight.”
“Okay, Gomez, let’s create our own sports and make the ‘game’ look like a conscious participant could get injured or even killed at his own risk.”
“Alright, let’s first draft the rules.”
“Let’s start with hitting someone and call it boxing.”

BOXING:
“You hit the man into a pulp until he is unconscious.”
“It would be easier if you develop hatred for the man prior to the fight so that you can beat him without feeling guilty. You don’t even have to think of his family. Better still if he has a wife, you beat him very well and in embarrassment, she could divorce him, and then you go for her.”
“Covert her, you mean!”
“No, she would desert him as a loser to your advantage.”
“Suppose we conceal the brutality and add this other romantic agenda by introducing categories in weight; heavyweight, middleweight, lightweight, light heavyweight, featherweight, bantamweight and so on.”
“I even think we can add some art to it. Very hard parts of beating can be given fun names like UPPERCUT, then LEFT HOOK. How about ROPE – A – DOPE?
“That sounds good, let’s approve it’.

WRESTLING:
“Already most traditions approve a form of crude fighting as their cultural heritage, but you don’t get enough fun there."
“It’s true. Why just throw a man down, Why not add some severe beating to humble him and to gain some respect?”
“But he could die, and that would be maniac.”
“Good name then; WRESTLE-MANIA.”
“No, we’ll just call the angry parts sweet names. Example, when you choke a man and starve him of oxygen we can call it SLEEPER HOLD. When you attempt to burst his brain we call it PILE DRIVER. When you are on your way to dislocate his shoulder, we call it SUPLEX.”
“I too have some good names like BEAR HUG, DDT, ATOMIC DROP, CLOSE LINE, CLAW, POWER-SLAM, BRAIN SCAN and others’.
“Great names, the public would love it. Even if you kill the man in the process they would not get angry. The cheers would cover the crime.”
“I think it’s a great idea, let's approve it.”
“Yes, later we can make men fight in steel cages.”
“That would make them look like the real animals we are; the ‘real game’.”
“We can even introduce street fighting in the ring where many fighters would beat each other at the same time.”
“That would be rough and arouse suspicion.”
“No, we just call it RUMBLE.”
“If we add ROYAL to it, it’s more dignifying.”
“You mean ROYAL RUMBLE?”
“Yes”
“Approved”
“We can encourage team efforts in fighting as they have in lawn tennis.”
“Like in football, if such teams are encouraged to have interesting names, it could be great fun. Imagine a name like ARSENAL or RED DEVIL.”
“Can we suggest names?”
“Not exactly! The teams should do it themselves.”
“I agree. The names should be original.”
“But how would you like names like LEGION OF DOOM, DEMOLITION, UNDERTAKER, BARBARIANS, EARTHQUAKE, RAZOR, BAD NEWS, HITMAN, TORNADO, JUNKYARD DOG, BULLDOG, KANE and so on.”
“They sound outrageous.”
“Okay, for a change, how would you see a name like MANKIND?”
“You think just as I do. I love it.”
“Then, let us approve it and go on.”

WEIGHTLIFTING:
“When science test materials to failure, they talk about the elastic limit, shear failure, the comprehensive strength in the guise for safety limits. How about if we attempt it on human muscle?”
“But that could paralyze a man.”
“Okay, how about making men carry weights which we would increase gradually to know when a ligament would tear?”
“The way you are going, the weight could be increased until it is as heavy as a plane or maybe a train and if we are lucky, a ship.”
“If a man tears his ligament, they wouldn’t blame us. They would blame the man who did not know his limits. Besides, such injury is common in football and nobody complains.”
“That sounds fine. Let adopt it’.

NOVELTY SPORTS:
“Suppose we get a good boxer and pair him with a good wrestler?”
“What kind of rules would be accepted to either?”
“It’s the same if we match a boxer with a Karate expert. Whose game rules would be superior then?”
“We can all it HANDICAPPED SPORT and we could blend the rules.”
“This looks difficult for now. Let’s leave it yet’.

KARATE:
“I like football a lot.”
“So what is wrong with it?”
“I was just thinking if we kick a man we can know the distance he would fall.”
“That looks interesting but which man would volunteer to be kicked?”
“No, men would just delight in kicking each other.”
“Men kicking ‘the game,' a fellow man would raise comments.”
“Supposing we let them use their hands as well to cover the wickedness?”
“What do you think the hand would achieve?”
“If a knife could cut an apple into two, we can see if the edge of a palm can try that on a man.”
“It could be great fun if a man is sliced into two by a stroke of a hand.”
“Let’s try it. We can do it under the cover of self-defence.”

JUDO:
“I have been thinking that as they do not wear dresses during wrestling, someone who had smeared oil on his skin would be difficult to knock around.”
“It is true. We would then not get much fun even if the beating is good.”
“Suppose we allow them to wear dresses so that that could be their disadvantage.”
“Great idea! Accepted. Let’s make the prize colourful. Let’s use belts; green, black etc.”

OTHER MATTERS:

“In our next meeting, we would discuss public acceptance of our bolder plans like; two hens attached with sharp razor blades to fight to the death, men versus bulls or lions and so on.”
“That would be great fun if we call the men fine names like GLADIATORS.”
“Until our next meeting, I say thank you for these great ideas.”
“Before then, I would go to lobby the sports authorities. Wish me good luck.”





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